Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
