Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
