After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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