I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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