HIV tests are more positive than that guy
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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