Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
