You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
