So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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