Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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