I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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