zippers are such a cool invention
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
