Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
