I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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