just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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