I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
