who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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