Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
