Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
