I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
