but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
