how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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