i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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