She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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