I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
God, I missed his penis.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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