Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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