I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
