so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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