his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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