Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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