I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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