I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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