Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
