It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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