the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Randomize
