My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
