He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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