I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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