Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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