i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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