I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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