yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Who died my cat blue again?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
