I wish my penis had an off switch
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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