you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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