I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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