Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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