I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
