I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
