I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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