im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
