i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
